If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
