my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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