So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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