i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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