She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just blew my weed a kiss
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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