Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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