Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
