Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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