oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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