Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
