i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
