he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
