I forgot how hot balto sounded
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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