he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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