you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
