So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
