he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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