if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
