i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
