My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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