I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
