i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
