Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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