I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
