it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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