My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
