oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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