Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
