someone threw a dead crab at me
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
even my farts smell like vagina
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
