matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
