i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
