I met the friendliest cop last night
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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