So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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