I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
