Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
