STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
