I didn't shave. On purpose
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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