you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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