So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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