i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
