WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
