Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
even my farts smell like vagina
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
