you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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