Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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