I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
