it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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