There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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