Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
