Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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