where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
