All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
